A divorced friend of mine said to me in the early days of my marriage separation “that it took her two years to get over it”. I actually didn’t believe her because I felt that my separation was going to instantly make me much happier. However, this was not true. This is what I’ve learnt about, mostly the hard way, living a solo life after separation.

In two words it’s been “bloody hard”. I don’t think anything prepares you for the sudden realisation that you are alone, responsible for every little detail in your life and how sometimes the loneliness just grabs hold of you and makes you so sad.

The Logistics of Marriage Separation

Apart from the psychological trauma and feelings of guilt that you undergo, there are a whole heap of other issues you have to deal with. These include things like:

• Where am I going to live?
• How am I going to live?
• How do we settle and divide our marital assets?
• Who is taking the pet/s?
• How do we divide household goods?
• Who stays in the house and how do we get it sold?
• How do I explain it to my kids? Will they cope with this news?
• Dissolving a self managed superannuation fund and investment portfolio.
• Closing joint bank accounts.
• Creating a new will.
• Legalising the separation and/or filing for divorce.

These are just some of the things that you need to sort out and it gets even more complicated if there are dependent children involved.

Your Emotional Health During Separation

The biggest hurdle for me was managing my emotional health. I was on a roller coaster of partly feeling relieved that I was out of my marriage and partly feeling huge amounts of guilt and remorse. I sought solace in a very close friend and sometimes even my kids when I got too distraught.

I think the best thing that I did was see a pyschologist during this emotionally draining time to sort through my feelings of guilt and rejection. I felt the entire time “why couldn’t I have had a loving and caring marriage”? Why did I stay in an empty shell marriage for so long?

My couselling sessions were a lifesaver and I gradually learnt to love myself again and not feel so deeply guilt ridden. I even learnt to set boundaries with my ex-husband, who was giving me a particularly hard time, and also learnt to say no to things that no longer served me.

After I found a place to live and had access to my own money, I started planning for a heap of holidays. It was my intention to get away from it all and forget about life for a while. It did work wonders, but at the same time because I was mostly a solo traveller, it had its challenges.

The biggest mistake I made was that I took on a secretarial position at the Bowls Club where I play lawn bowls. I thought taking the role on would keep me busy, utilise my skills and get me involved in something rewarding and worthwhile. I soon learned that this led to further stress and angst in my life.

How to Move on After Separation

You might say that this is still work in progress for me. Due to the fact that my ex-husband and I still co-own a property that we’re trying to sell, neither one of us has been able to re-settle in a place of our own. My existence in the past 18 months has been moving from one place to the next, sometimes living in our home, sometimes renting holiday accommodation and sometimes doing housesits for months on end.

My life as I know it at the moment is doing a four month housesit in a friend’s apartment, whilst all of my own furniture and belongings are in a storage shed. This has caused a set of new problems because I am constantly trying to locate things that I need in that storage shed, and this is not easy!

A lot of my time is taken up with looking at real estate and trying to decide where I would like to live, what type of apartment I’d like and of course what will be in my price range. So my advice is to start looking early so you can compare and get a feel for what’s available and what the real estate market is like in your desired location. I have been spending lots of time at open houses and although so far I’ve found a couple of suitable apartments, I’m unable to commit to anything until our property is sold.

Moving on after separation is likely to vary between different people. For me it was having financial independence and working out what I wanted to invest into. It was having the freedom to travel to countries that my ex husband didn’t want to go to. It was about feeling better about myself instead of feeling trapped, downtrodden and lonely in a marriage.

Having a New Relationship After Separation

I think I could write a whole book on this subject because my preconception of having a new relationship was completely different to what I have experienced. I also have enough content for another book of online dating experiences that friends of mine have relayed to me, sometimes in lurid and hilarious detail. Let me say categorically that it is a jungle out there in the “relationships after 60 world”.

I’ve learnt that most men around my age are not looking for someone my age, they want a woman at least 10 to 20 years younger than them. I have also learnt that a lot of men of any age are just looking for casual sex, a cook, cleaner and housekeeper package, and then there are some that are looking at getting their grubby hands on your property or money!

In the 18 months since my separation I have had two experiences with men of my age and they have both been epic fails. The first was obviously just after a one-night stand and the second was so self-absorbed and full of his own importance that I could not endure another single minute of talking to him.

I have also endured a lot of innuendo and flirtatious advances from some men that are known to me. What is it about older men that makes them think they are still God’s gift to women? I seriously believe that some of them never look in the mirror.

The online dating sites from what I’ve heard are also full of predators and scammers. They are all “how are you beautiful, can we just talk and how much do you have in your bank account”? It’s a crazy world of trying to decipher who is and isn’t real. So I have personally decided that I’m not going down this road.

The Downside of Separation and Flying Solo

Although, I realise that in the long run I am going to be much better off emotionally and happiness-wise, there is a downside of being separated. These things include:

• No-one to talk to about the trivialities in life.
• Nobody to change the light bulb, hang a painting, mow the lawn or do simple handyman jobs around the house.
• No-one to share household chores with, like “you cook and I’ll wash up”.
• No warm body to cuddle up to on cold nights in bed.
• No intimacy or touch.
• Having to navigate through your own finances and pay bills.
• No “plus one” for events like weddings, birthdays, concerts, etc.
• You have to pay the single supplement on travel.
• You sometimes feel left out when you’re around other couples, but at other times you think “thank God I’m not married to him”!
• Your adult children feel like you’re going to be a burden for them in your latter years.
• You are judged for being a solo woman. I have had people ask me directly “why on earth would I want to leave my husband at your age”!
• You are sometimes the subject of gossip. Beware of the gossip mongers!
  

What Does Life After Separation Hold For Me

In summary, I think life after separation can be challenging and even lonely. The trick is to find things in your life that bring you happiness, that calm your mind and make sure you still enjoy the simple things in life like your kids and grandkids. I think without this in my life I would be very depressed.

In the past 18 months I have travelled to Vietnam, did a week long Australian cruise with a friend, pampered myself with a women’s health retreat in Bali, and undertook an epic 8-week long European and African adventure partly solo and partly with friends. More recently I treated myself to the Australian Open tennis tournament in Melbourne for a few days.

My recent focus is on selling a property and relocating into my own apartment maybe in a new town. I am also organising a month-long holiday to Italy and learning Italian online. I do reformer pilates twice a week with a lovely group of like-minded women, I play lawn bowls, I walk, I still write, I read books and listen to podcasts or just watch Netflix, I spend time with my kids and grandkids and I try to keep social by meeting up with friends for coffee or lunch.

I believe that all of these things are keeping me occupied and fulfilled without having time to dwell on my sometimes lonely periods. Living a solo life is not so bad afterall!