There is a lot to be said about finding your life partner and sticking by one another until death do you part. I know I’ve seen many great examples of these types of marriages. It’s actually heartwarming to see couples that keep their marriages alive. But what happens when there’s a midlife marriage breakdown? Does anyone ever talk about this?
In my case, it didn’t actually happen suddenly. It had been creeping up on me for years. I had been with my husband for 42 years and I kept thinking that I had to see it out. Society, family and friends dictated this, because it was too many years together to let it just slide.
Midlife marriage breakdowns are much more common these days. We are much less likely to remain in an empty shell marriage than we once were. We all look outwards towards self-fulfillment and happiness more than ever now.
The main causes of midlife marriage breakdown are:
In an empty shell marriage the spouses may share a home and may have been married for years. However, the spouses are not emotionally connected and are often lonely and emotionally distant. On the surface, an empty-shell marriage can appear happy, healthy and successful. The relationship may appear stable with little conflict visible. Outsiders get the impression the marriage has no problems but are often very surprised when the marriage finally caves and breaks down.
The main symptoms of an empty shell marriage are:
Spouses that have been married for decades may struggle with the decision of whether to hang in or leave. There is always a sense of obligation to one another, family and friends. You have become comfortable being with the same spouse for all these years and it is not an easy decision to separate. I can tell you that I struggled terribly with these perceptions.
My first step was a trial separation. This gave me the space to think things through and work out whether I could survive on my own. It gave me the clarity that I needed to make such a mammoth decision.
The second thing I did was write a list of pros and cons of leaving my marriage. In my case the pros doubled the cons. So it was a no brainer making the decision to leave.
Thirdly, I spoke to both of my adult children for their thoughts. Naturally they were both very upset. But, although it was heartbreaking for them to see us go our separate ways, they wanted me to be happy.
There are also other things that you need to look at, like finances, dividing assets, who gets custody of the pet/s and where you’re going to live. It is a good idea to seek legal advice early and then down the track some financial planning advice.
Separation and divorce is never easy for either spouse. It is one of the most stressful things that you will go through in your life. It can sometimes get very ugly and spiteful, so I decided early on I was going to make it as amicable as possible.
It’s important to not get into a slanging match with your spouse and start playing the blame game. There is little point in adding to an already hurtful and stressful process. I learnt to walk away from this when it happened.
Running to your friends and family telling them every single detail of the reasons you’re breaking up with your spouse is also not beneficial. So I suggest keeping them out of the breakup. But it is also important that you have someone to talk to during the process. A good friend that you can trust with a sympathetic ear or seeing a Counsellor is extremely important.
“Grey divorce” or “silver separation” as it’s called, is becoming more commonplace in recent times. This type of breakup may sound simple, mainly due to the fact that it doesn’t involve who gets custody of the children, as they are now grown up and no longer live in the family home. However, you still need to be mindful that this will still have a profound affect on your adult children. So my advice is to be gentle and explain precisely why you’re separating and how it will never change your love for them and your grandchildren.
Get your asset division and finances sorted out with the help of a financial advisor and a lawyer. It is very important to know exactly what your financial situation is and be able to come to an amicable agreement about who gets what. Money can sometimes be the biggest cause of angst between separating couples.
Create a financial budget and work out how you’re going to live on your own after the separation. It is going to be very challenging selling up the shared marital home and then finding a place of your own after separation. The process is not an easy one.
When you finally have a place of your own, start afresh and make some plans for your future. A great way to do this is by creating a bucket list and then start ticking it off. This could be travel, taking up a new sport or hobby, learning a new language, going back to university to study, getting a part-time job or going to the theatre and live music concerts.
As I live in a small town and I’m a member of a sports club, I have endured my fair share of judgement delivered by the gossipmongers. At one stage I felt extremely self conscious every time I walked into my club. I felt like the subject of everyone’s conversation.
Even recently, I was having coffee minding my own business, and two ladies behind me were talking about houses for sale in town. They talked about my house and one said to the other “did you know their marriage broke down after 40 years and the wife walked out on the husband”. I was completely gobsmacked, and eventually turned around and said “you’re talking about my house”. Can you imagine the look on their faces!
But in all seriousness, due to the guilt you feel initially of leaving the marriage, you tend to feel that everyone is gossiping about you. So when people asked me why I was leaving my marriage my standard answer was “it’s personal”. Then they ask no more questions. But I do know that people made up their own “juicier” reasons about my marriage collapse. I really don’t understand the reason for people spreading gossip.
My advice is put the gossipers in their place and tell them to mind their own business. There is nothing to be achieved by spreading malicious gossip, and then as gossip goes, half of it is made up to make it juicier. So learn to have a thick skin and don’t listen nor give fodder to the gossipmongers in your life.
I think the saying goes “life is too short to drink bad wine”. And this goes for bad marriages too.
